There are few
things in this world that disgust me more than the television sitcom known as Flipper.
Flipper was a 1960s series about
a boy and his trustworthy dolphin pal who go off on magnificent adventures. Basically,
it was a recycling of the television show Lassie,
except they replaced the dog with a giant fish. The show is also famous for
possessing the most aggravating theme song ever conceived in the history of
television. To the uneducated and/or unenlightened, Flipper is a cute, spiritual, coming of age show that symbolizes
the unique friendship between man and dolphin.
For me, it is a disgusting piece of pro-dolphin propaganda that would
even make the editors of the Soviet state run newspaper Pravda cringe.
I am often asked why I have such a
seemingly unnatural hatred of these creatures. Indeed, most Americans are
infatuated with beasts. They think they are friendly and beautiful, regardless
of the fact that they are slimy and look like they have had a coke bottles
surgically attached to their skulls. But
like Galileo, Socrates, Martin Luther, Gary Busey, and other great thinkers of
their times, I am an outcast forced to live an agonizing and lonely life. I am
cursed with knowing a truth that few will accept—that dolphins suck ass. However, in order to convince many of you
infidels, I feel I must first explain my reasons for despising these satanic
monstrosities. I will begin by dispelling some of the false and widely held
rumors about dolphins.
1. Dolphins Are Neither
Smarter Than nor Just As Smart As Humans
One of the
biggest mistakes I ever made in my teen years was going to the movie A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I
never read the book so I had no clue what to expect. I knew within the first
few minutes that this film was going to suck. The narrator mentioned that
“Humans think they are the smartest animals on earth, but they are not.
Dolphins are smarter than humans.” I was so angry I almost left theater right
there, but after almost hyperventilating I regained control of myself and sat
through two hours of what was an absolutely disgusting display of modern cinematography.
Despite how pissed I was, I left the
movie feeling relieved. I mean, it was fiction right? There is no one actually
believes dolphins are smarter than humans. Alas, there are. As unbelievable as
it may sound, there are assholes who believe dolphins are either smarter than,
or just as smart as, humans. As a Homo Sapien myself, this is probably the most
insulting thing I have ever heard. I mean think about it. There are people that
actually believe a god damn fish is smarter than you. Although they are intelligent creatures, as
far as I know, dolphins have not discovered math, science, or philosophy. Dolphins don’t have a system of writing or
law. I don’t know of any a dolphin, even a well-trained one that has ever
created a work of art or written a novel. Dolphins have not created medicine,
hospitals, or vehicles that allow them to traverse land.
In short, to actually believe that
dolphins are even as smart as us is not only degrading to our species, but is
just downright stupid. The fact something can jump high, hunt fish, have sex, and
hit a ball with its ugly snout does not make it smart. Forrest Gump could do
all shit and more. Humans have the highest degree of rational thought and
intellect on the planet and with these tools we have succeeded in creating
advanced technologies and concepts which have bettered our lives. All dolphins
have done is eat, have sex, and entertain little kids and Asian tourists at Sea
World.
Furthermore, dolphins are stupid
because they live in water. Millions of years ago, our ancestors lived in the
water. However, they soon realized that living in the water sucked. Thus, they
decided to live on land where they could soak up the sun, eat fruit, and be
awesome. Yet, once we evolved into mammals, some jackasses (the forefathers of
dolphins) decided to go back to the water even though they could not breathe in
it (and they still can’t! Idiots!). The ancestors of dolphins basically took
the plot of the movie Water World and
reversed it. This disgraceful action is a mark of shame upon all mammals and thus
is the reason why I refuse to recognize them as such. Any animal that chooses
to live in the water is a fish and, with the exception of Henry Limpet, they
are not entitled to the respect that is befitting of a mammal. Hence, Dolphins
are not nearly as smart as humans.
2. Dolphins Are Just
As, If Not More, Violent Than Humans
I once overheard
a man say that “humans are the only animals that fights wars and reek mass
havoc on this planet. We are the real animals.” My first inclination was to
pick up a pair of scissors and serialize this dick so his seed would not
further contaminant the human genome.
However, after thinking it over, I realized that such an act would only
prove his point. So I did something that all other animals, including “intelligent”
jackass dolphins, are incapable of doing. I showed self-restraint.
Last summer I read a book by
biologist Michael Ghiglieri entitled The
Dark Side of Man: Tracing the Origins of Male Violence. In it, Ghiglieri
traces the origins of male violence by looking at other primates, especially
are closest relatives, the chimpanzee. The author notes that contrary to the
beliefs of many, wild chimpanzees engage violent, warlike, and even genocidal
behavior. In the wild, chimpanzee
enclaves will fight what amount to full scale wars. Groups of male chimps will
actually go on raiding expeditions in similar fashions as would a platoon of
human soldiers. The author states that larger chimp groups will wage war on
weaker ones until every last member of the smaller colony has been eradicated
in a manner that makes Jeffery Dahmer look like Mike Brady. One observer, noted
Ghiglieri, stated that if chimps were provided guns and knew how to use them,
they would definitely use them to kill other chimps.
What point am I trying to make? MOST
ANIMALS ARE VIOLENT! Violence is a part of nature. Animals such as chimps,
ants, and even terminates, engage in wars and genocide. Nature is a not a
friendly place. Thomas Hobbes was correct when he said that the State of Nature
is “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” Dolphins are no exception to
this rule. Wild dolphins are actually known to be quite violent. Indeed, male
members have been known to commit infanticide (that is the killing of
children).
Moreover,
besides attacking humans, wild dolphins have been witnessed killing porpoises Dolphins
don’t eat porpoises, porpoise don’t threaten to eat dolphins and both species
often don’t compete for the same food sources. Thus, it appears as if dolphins
kill porpoises because they enjoy it or, as Penn Jillette remarked, “because
porpoises are only slightly different from dolphins.” Hence, the mindset of a
dolphin is a mix between George Wallace and Ted Bundy.
But
that is not all. Dolphins also engage in rape, and not just against each other.
They also like to rape humans! I might find a woman attractive, but I am not
going to run up to her and start humping like a horny dog for two reasons. One,
it is against the law. Two, I see it is morally wrong. There lay the difference
between not only us and those despicable fish, but the rest of the animal
kingdom. Although we Homo Sapiens are by
no means perfect, we attempt to restrain ourselves. We might still retain the
old mammalian side of our brain that tells us to eat, fight, and have sex, but
we are capable of rationality, morality, and self-control. We have enacted laws to prevent murder, rape,
and physical assault, and have created police forces and courts to enforce
them. Moreover, we often try to teach our children the moral wrongs of
committing these acts.
And
what about dolphins? Do they have laws? Do they have courts of law? Do they
have morals? HELL NO! They are wild animals, and like wild animals they act on
impulse. When they want to have sex, they have sex. When they want to kill,
they kill. Like a dog, a cat, an elephant, or Paris Hilton, they do what they
want when they want without giving any regard to the ethics and consequences of
their actions. Yes, humans engage in murder, rape, and genocide. But when a
party of dolphins slaughters an innocent group of porpoises, there is neither
public dolphin outrage nor a Dolphinberg Trial. Thanks to our war machines, we
humans inflict incredible destruction when we fight. But there has not been a
great power war since 1945 and crime in the United States has continually
decreased since the 1970s. In other
words, while we are improving, dolphins continue
to reign terror accross our oceans. They truly are the “ISIS of the Sea.”
3.
The Threat Posed by Dolphins
I
love fish. They are healthy, nutritious, a great source of protein, and they
taste delicious. Unfortunately, we live in a world where food is scarce. There
are 7 billion people on this planet and not enough subsidence to meet all their
needs. One of the many things that make humans awesome is that we have a
diversity of food sources. Yet, due to the hunger crisis, any threat to a
single one of our resources should be taken seriously. The dolphin eats fish
and only fish. Moreover, most countries don’t hunt dolphins. Hence, the dolphin
is allowed to breed freely and more dolphins equal less fish.
We
can’t just keep letting this go on. The dolphin is a direct threat to our food
supply. Every time a dolphin is born, a human child goes without food. Oh, and
for you hippies that don’t agree with hunting dolphins remember this; the
dolphin does not have an endangered species list. The dolphin does not try to
moderate its hunting in order to sustain its food supply. All the dolphin cares
about is eating and eating as much as possible. The dolphin must be stopped
before humanity starves.
However,
dolphins pose another, greater threat. It is widely believed that dolphins are
the second smartest animals on the planet. Although dolphins are not nearly as
smart as humans, there is the possibility that overtime the dolphin will
further develop its mental capabilities. This cannot be allowed. Anyone who has
seen Planet of the Apes, Independence Day, Mars Attacks, and Starship
Troopers, knows the danger another intelligent race poses. Thus, it is
imperative that we act now while the dolphin is still weak and relatively stupid.
Allowing the dolphin to remain unmolested is nothing short of appeasement; the
same appeasement that allowed the Nazis to rise to power and dominate Europe.
It
is a historical fact that most established powers have refused to accommodate
rising ones. Sparta crushed Athens when it grew too strong. Rome made the
Carthaginians suck it when they threated the Empire’s dominance of the
Mediterranean. The British Empire took steps to make sure the Germans did not
overtake it before and during WWI. The United States took all measures
necessary to contain the menace of the Soviet Union then and Pauly Shore’s
career. Hence, I propose the United States sponsor a UN Security Council resolution
to make dolphin hunting legal worldwide. Our longstanding alliance with Japan will of
great importance in this noble enterprise. Although not as militarily powerful
as us, the Japanese are experienced dolphin killers and thus their assistance
will be essential in the upcoming anti-dolphin campaigns. This is not to say
the dolphin has no use. The U.S. Navy currently uses dolphins to find mines.
Thus, some dolphins can be used to our advantage. However, we should not allow
them to become too smart or they will turn on us like the Terminators did. The
last thing we need is radical dolphin Jihadists attacking our sea-lanes.
It
is vital that public support be attained for our great crusade. Unfortunately,
much of humanity has a weird affinity for dolphins. We must change that
perception with a public relations campaign. We can start by demanding that the
Miami Dolphins change their name because it is offensive to fish. Instead, they
can be the Miami Kangaroos or Catapillars. Also, we can remake the show Flipper, but instead of the dolphin
being a lovable best friend, it can be an alcoholic child molester. We can
rehash the film Jaws to contain a
killer dolphin instead of a shark. Picture it, the town of Amity is plagued yet
again, only this time by a giant communist dolphin. For Scream
5 we can have the murderer be dolphin. Sidney Prescott is back and is being
stocked by the deadliest killer yet. After 15 gruesome murders it can be
revealed that all killers, from Scream 1
through 5, have actually been
dolphins disguised as humans! DUNT DUNT DUH!
4.
Conclusion
The
point of the essay has been to enlighten you, the reader, about a real
inconvenient truth. The dolphin poses a threat to humanity and he must be
stopped. Although the dolphin appears friendly and loving, it is in actuality a
sick and twisted creature. We must not allow these parasites to control our
oceans. To do so would pose a threat to our food supply. Furthermore, it would
put our commerce at risk, which is still done primarily through sea lanes. We
can’t allow another dominate species to emerge. There is only room for one
intelligent life form on this planet and that is us. Although we can use some
dolphins to our benefit, we must not hesitate to take decisive action when the
time comes. LONG LIVE THE HUMAN RACE!!!!!
©
Copyright 2013 by R. M. S. Thornton
