Terror from the Ocean Depths: Why I Hate Dolphins and the Threat They Pose to Humanity

            There are few things in this world that disgust me more than the television sitcom known as Flipper.  Flipper was a 1960s series about a boy and his trustworthy dolphin pal who go off on magnificent adventures. Basically, it was a recycling of the television show Lassie, except they replaced the dog with a giant fish. The show is also famous for possessing the most aggravating theme song ever conceived in the history of television. To the uneducated and/or unenlightened, Flipper is a cute, spiritual, coming of age show that symbolizes the unique friendship between man and dolphin.  For me, it is a disgusting piece of pro-dolphin propaganda that would even make the editors of the Soviet state run newspaper Pravda cringe.

            I am often asked why I have such a seemingly unnatural hatred of these creatures. Indeed, most Americans are infatuated with beasts. They think they are friendly and beautiful, regardless of the fact that they are slimy and look like they have had a coke bottles surgically attached to their skulls.  But like Galileo, Socrates, Martin Luther, Gary Busey, and other great thinkers of their times, I am an outcast forced to live an agonizing and lonely life. I am cursed with knowing a truth that few will accept—that dolphins suck ass.  However, in order to convince many of you infidels, I feel I must first explain my reasons for despising these satanic monstrosities. I will begin by dispelling some of the false and widely held rumors about dolphins.

1. Dolphins Are Neither Smarter Than nor Just As Smart As Humans

            One of the biggest mistakes I ever made in my teen years was going to the movie A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I never read the book so I had no clue what to expect. I knew within the first few minutes that this film was going to suck. The narrator mentioned that “Humans think they are the smartest animals on earth, but they are not. Dolphins are smarter than humans.” I was so angry I almost left theater right there, but after almost hyperventilating I regained control of myself and sat through two hours of what was an absolutely disgusting display of modern cinematography. 

            Despite how pissed I was, I left the movie feeling relieved. I mean, it was fiction right? There is no one actually believes dolphins are smarter than humans. Alas, there are. As unbelievable as it may sound, there are assholes who believe dolphins are either smarter than, or just as smart as, humans. As a Homo Sapien myself, this is probably the most insulting thing I have ever heard. I mean think about it. There are people that actually believe a god damn fish is smarter than you.  Although they are intelligent creatures, as far as I know, dolphins have not discovered math, science, or philosophy.  Dolphins don’t have a system of writing or law. I don’t know of any a dolphin, even a well-trained one that has ever created a work of art or written a novel. Dolphins have not created medicine, hospitals, or vehicles that allow them to traverse land.

            In short, to actually believe that dolphins are even as smart as us is not only degrading to our species, but is just downright stupid. The fact something can jump high, hunt fish, have sex, and hit a ball with its ugly snout does not make it smart. Forrest Gump could do all shit and more. Humans have the highest degree of rational thought and intellect on the planet and with these tools we have succeeded in creating advanced technologies and concepts which have bettered our lives. All dolphins have done is eat, have sex, and entertain little kids and Asian tourists at Sea World.

            Furthermore, dolphins are stupid because they live in water. Millions of years ago, our ancestors lived in the water. However, they soon realized that living in the water sucked. Thus, they decided to live on land where they could soak up the sun, eat fruit, and be awesome. Yet, once we evolved into mammals, some jackasses (the forefathers of dolphins) decided to go back to the water even though they could not breathe in it (and they still can’t! Idiots!). The ancestors of dolphins basically took the plot of the movie Water World and reversed it. This disgraceful action is a mark of shame upon all mammals and thus is the reason why I refuse to recognize them as such. Any animal that chooses to live in the water is a fish and, with the exception of Henry Limpet, they are not entitled to the respect that is befitting of a mammal. Hence, Dolphins are not nearly as smart as humans.

2. Dolphins Are Just As, If Not More, Violent Than Humans

            I once overheard a man say that “humans are the only animals that fights wars and reek mass havoc on this planet. We are the real animals.” My first inclination was to pick up a pair of scissors and serialize this dick so his seed would not further contaminant the human genome.  However, after thinking it over, I realized that such an act would only prove his point. So I did something that all other animals, including “intelligent” jackass dolphins, are incapable of doing. I showed self-restraint.

            Last summer I read a book by biologist Michael Ghiglieri entitled The Dark Side of Man: Tracing the Origins of Male Violence. In it, Ghiglieri traces the origins of male violence by looking at other primates, especially are closest relatives, the chimpanzee. The author notes that contrary to the beliefs of many, wild chimpanzees engage violent, warlike, and even genocidal behavior.  In the wild, chimpanzee enclaves will fight what amount to full scale wars. Groups of male chimps will actually go on raiding expeditions in similar fashions as would a platoon of human soldiers. The author states that larger chimp groups will wage war on weaker ones until every last member of the smaller colony has been eradicated in a manner that makes Jeffery Dahmer look like Mike Brady. One observer, noted Ghiglieri, stated that if chimps were provided guns and knew how to use them, they would definitely use them to kill other chimps.

            What point am I trying to make? MOST ANIMALS ARE VIOLENT! Violence is a part of nature. Animals such as chimps, ants, and even terminates, engage in wars and genocide. Nature is a not a friendly place. Thomas Hobbes was correct when he said that the State of Nature is “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” Dolphins are no exception to this rule. Wild dolphins are actually known to be quite violent. Indeed, male members have been known to commit infanticide (that is the killing of children).

Moreover, besides attacking humans, wild dolphins have been witnessed killing porpoises Dolphins don’t eat porpoises, porpoise don’t threaten to eat dolphins and both species often don’t compete for the same food sources. Thus, it appears as if dolphins kill porpoises because they enjoy it or, as Penn Jillette remarked, “because porpoises are only slightly different from dolphins.” Hence, the mindset of a dolphin is a mix between George Wallace and Ted Bundy.

But that is not all. Dolphins also engage in rape, and not just against each other. They also like to rape humans! I might find a woman attractive, but I am not going to run up to her and start humping like a horny dog for two reasons. One, it is against the law. Two, I see it is morally wrong. There lay the difference between not only us and those despicable fish, but the rest of the animal kingdom.  Although we Homo Sapiens are by no means perfect, we attempt to restrain ourselves. We might still retain the old mammalian side of our brain that tells us to eat, fight, and have sex, but we are capable of rationality, morality, and self-control.  We have enacted laws to prevent murder, rape, and physical assault, and have created police forces and courts to enforce them. Moreover, we often try to teach our children the moral wrongs of committing these acts.

And what about dolphins? Do they have laws? Do they have courts of law? Do they have morals? HELL NO! They are wild animals, and like wild animals they act on impulse. When they want to have sex, they have sex. When they want to kill, they kill. Like a dog, a cat, an elephant, or Paris Hilton, they do what they want when they want without giving any regard to the ethics and consequences of their actions. Yes, humans engage in murder, rape, and genocide. But when a party of dolphins slaughters an innocent group of porpoises, there is neither public dolphin outrage nor a Dolphinberg Trial. Thanks to our war machines, we humans inflict incredible destruction when we fight. But there has not been a great power war since 1945 and crime in the United States has continually decreased since the 1970s.  In other words, while  we are improving, dolphins continue to reign terror accross our oceans. They truly are the “ISIS of the Sea.”

3. The Threat Posed by Dolphins

I love fish. They are healthy, nutritious, a great source of protein, and they taste delicious. Unfortunately, we live in a world where food is scarce. There are 7 billion people on this planet and not enough subsidence to meet all their needs. One of the many things that make humans awesome is that we have a diversity of food sources. Yet, due to the hunger crisis, any threat to a single one of our resources should be taken seriously. The dolphin eats fish and only fish. Moreover, most countries don’t hunt dolphins. Hence, the dolphin is allowed to breed freely and more dolphins equal less fish.  

We can’t just keep letting this go on. The dolphin is a direct threat to our food supply. Every time a dolphin is born, a human child goes without food. Oh, and for you hippies that don’t agree with hunting dolphins remember this; the dolphin does not have an endangered species list. The dolphin does not try to moderate its hunting in order to sustain its food supply. All the dolphin cares about is eating and eating as much as possible. The dolphin must be stopped before humanity starves.

However, dolphins pose another, greater threat. It is widely believed that dolphins are the second smartest animals on the planet. Although dolphins are not nearly as smart as humans, there is the possibility that overtime the dolphin will further develop its mental capabilities. This cannot be allowed. Anyone who has seen Planet of the Apes, Independence Day, Mars Attacks, and Starship Troopers, knows the danger another intelligent race poses. Thus, it is imperative that we act now while the dolphin is still weak and relatively stupid. Allowing the dolphin to remain unmolested is nothing short of appeasement; the same appeasement that allowed the Nazis to rise to power and dominate Europe.

It is a historical fact that most established powers have refused to accommodate rising ones. Sparta crushed Athens when it grew too strong. Rome made the Carthaginians suck it when they threated the Empire’s dominance of the Mediterranean. The British Empire took steps to make sure the Germans did not overtake it before and during WWI. The United States took all measures necessary to contain the menace of the Soviet Union then and Pauly Shore’s career. Hence, I propose the United States sponsor a UN Security Council resolution to make dolphin hunting legal worldwide.  Our longstanding alliance with Japan will of great importance in this noble enterprise. Although not as militarily powerful as us, the Japanese are experienced dolphin killers and thus their assistance will be essential in the upcoming anti-dolphin campaigns. This is not to say the dolphin has no use. The U.S. Navy currently uses dolphins to find mines. Thus, some dolphins can be used to our advantage. However, we should not allow them to become too smart or they will turn on us like the Terminators did. The last thing we need is radical dolphin Jihadists attacking our sea-lanes.

It is vital that public support be attained for our great crusade. Unfortunately, much of humanity has a weird affinity for dolphins. We must change that perception with a public relations campaign. We can start by demanding that the Miami Dolphins change their name because it is offensive to fish. Instead, they can be the Miami Kangaroos or Catapillars. Also, we can remake the show Flipper, but instead of the dolphin being a lovable best friend, it can be an alcoholic child molester. We can rehash the film Jaws to contain a killer dolphin instead of a shark. Picture it, the town of Amity is plagued yet again, only this time by a giant communist dolphin.  For Scream 5 we can have the murderer be dolphin. Sidney Prescott is back and is being stocked by the deadliest killer yet. After 15 gruesome murders it can be revealed that all killers, from Scream 1 through 5, have actually been dolphins disguised as humans! DUNT DUNT DUH!

4. Conclusion

The point of the essay has been to enlighten you, the reader, about a real inconvenient truth. The dolphin poses a threat to humanity and he must be stopped. Although the dolphin appears friendly and loving, it is in actuality a sick and twisted creature. We must not allow these parasites to control our oceans. To do so would pose a threat to our food supply. Furthermore, it would put our commerce at risk, which is still done primarily through sea lanes. We can’t allow another dominate species to emerge. There is only room for one intelligent life form on this planet and that is us. Although we can use some dolphins to our benefit, we must not hesitate to take decisive action when the time comes. LONG LIVE THE HUMAN RACE!!!!!

© Copyright 2013 by R. M. S. Thornton