Cosmic Joyride

            The Universe—a magnificent matrix encompassing all matter as we know it; a celestial environment unrivaled in majesty and grandeur; a realm as real as it is impalpable. Its domain is subject to incontrovertible dictates, yet its contents remain shrouded in mystery.  But despite its infinite enigmas and contradictions, it’s clear that The Universe is the facilitator of all existence as we know it, and, in corollary, all consciousness, i.e. the ability to comprehend one’s state of being.

If one takes a step back for a minute and observes it, cognizance is quite a miraculous feat. Life, at least how we define it, is a rather rare phenomenon. Most matter, solid, liquid, or what have you, is inanimate. And for those materials which have the biological processes to be considered “alive,” much of them are relatively inert, such as plants or fungi. And for those organisms that are ostensibly privileged enough to be classified Animalia, few possess the mental capacity necessary to come anywhere near to something we can define as rational or understood.

There is really only one species we can say with almost absolute certainty is “conscious” and that is the human. Well...at least on this planet. For there exists, in far off segments of the Universe, beings who possess advanced intelligence, ancient creatures whose metal capacity far exceed our own; bipedal organisms that have far surpassed us in terms of science, technological innovation, and astronomical understanding.

Yet, despite their impressive intellect and spectacular achievements, these extraterrestrials are plagued by an incurable disease that infects all sophisticated civilizations. They are parasites who latch onto the underbellies of even the most gifted societies and challenge every criterion by which such a civilization can be considered innovative, lucid, and enlightened. I’m talking, of course, about the teenager—an amalgamation of child and adult who serve as God’s humbling reminder of our most primordial roots. 

Their aggravating and often unwelcome presence can be traced to any portion of the cosmos where there exists intelligent life, including Mendudo 6, a planet nestled on the edge of the Andromeda Galaxy. The inhabitants of this world refer to themselves as the Banchons. They look somewhat similar to humans. They have 2 legs, 2 arms, 10 fingers and toes, as well as a head with two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. However, their appearance differs significantly in many respects. The Banchons have green skin, shades of which vary among them. They are tall, with an adult male standing on average about 7-feet and are usually very thin. They have large, ovular heads with small mouths, petite noses, as well as giant, round, pure-black eyes, which are well over twice the size of a Homo sapien’s. The Banchons don’t have a single strand of hair on their bodies, leaving their scalps completely bald. Their garb usually consists of synthetic rubber suits, which are of a single color and cover their bodies from neck to toe.

And here among the Banchons exist three adolescents, Miquar, Winbo, and Admar, whose restlessness one fateful night led them down a mischievous path, one which would forever upend the intergalactic balance by inflicting chaos on a little recognized planet from a neighboring galaxy.  The three youths were an odd pairing. Miquar was the “slacker” of the group. He cared little about school or his general appearance for that matter, as he habitually was very unkempt, dressing in torn and worn out clothes. Miquar was involved in no extracurricular activities unless you count crashing house parties or using controlled substances in his parent’s basement. As such, he was habitually inebriated, even during school hours, often cutting class so he could inhale spotsnor behind the quantum physics building.

For those of you who don’t know, spotsnor is an illicit material popular among young Banchons. Its effects are so powerful that, if consumed by a human, it would immediately cause all synapses in his or her brain to simultaneously burst, leading to instant death. But because of their extraordinary brain power, it only causes Branchons to experience a slight high.

Winbo was outgoing, loquacious, and undoubtedly the most mischievous of the bunch. He consistently plotted various excursions for him and his friends, which almost always involved some sort of nefarious and risky activity. Winbo was intelligent and generally well meaning, yet his daredevil mentally and constant desire for adventure meant that trouble regularly followed the three.

Admar was the serious one of the trio. He was older than his friends by several centuries (by human equivalence, that’s only about a year), but had been held back one level (the Banchon version of a grade) by his parents in order for him to have a leg-up on his studies. Admar was good student, though his main focus was on athletics. As such, he stuck to a stringent diet and did not partake in the use of banned substances.

It began for the boys like any other normal night.. The three adolescents nestled around the turquoise, synthetic alloy table located in Winbo’s parents’ kitchen.

“I’m telling you guys, it happened!” Winbo exclaimed. “Right behind the gymnasium, during the break period between advanced quantum mechanics and interstellar planetary hydrostatics.”

“Sorry, dude.” Admar replied. “But I call total bullshit. There is no way in hell you got quasar spin at school.”

“Bro, I’m not lying! Signob and I met right after class, and before I even knew what was up, she started going to town on my hoggle poggle!”

“Really?” Admar commented with a tone of skepticism. 

“Yeah, bro! Oh, and it didn’t stop there! She then stripped off her bottom robes and let me scratch her flupper murfin!”

“Nice.” Miquar remarked, listlessly as he puffed some spotsnor. “I think you’re the first guy in our parplank to actually hook up with a girt at school.”

“Oh, and there’s more!” Winbo cried. “Later that evening, she came by when my folks weren’t home.”

Winbo gestured toward a large open-way, “And right there, in the middle of the living room, she got completely naked! Oh, my higher galactic entity, that chick has dimtums like you wouldn’t believe! They’re rigid and enormous, like the red glaciers of Cynops Purpon 8.”

“I don’t know.” Admar said. “I still have my doubts.”

“Whatever, dude.” Winbo responded with tense indignation. “You’re just jealous because no girl has let you orbit her nebula yet!”

“Fuck off, Winbo.” Admar snapped.

Miquar exhaled another hit of spotsnor

“So, finish the story,” he commanded, as he coughed.

“Alright,” Winbo continued, “so we’re both in the living room, right, completely naked. Anyways, I walk over to her and we just start going at it, like it was insane! Then she gets on her stomach and she is all like, ‘What are you waiting for? Give me some of that purple man slime!’ So, I’m like down on top of her, our backs facing each other and, holy shit, dude, we went straight gurp to borkfort!”

Admar and Miquar immediately shot back looks of revulsion and distain on their faces

“Dude, what the fuck!?” Amdar shouted. “That’s disgusting!”

“What!?” Winbo fired back. “There’s nothing with that!”

“Bro,” Midquar chimed in, “you never go gurp to borkfort. Never, ever, ever!”

“Whatever,” Winbo uttered, “you both are just prudes. I finally get with one of the hottest chicks at our school, and you two assholes respond by...”

Winbo froze. Thick multicolored lights could be seen approaching the window.

“Fuck!” Winbo screamed. “It’s my parents! Miquar, put that shit away, man!”

Miquar hurriedly attempted to conceal his stash.  Winbo rushed to the window. Upon peering outside, he gave a sigh of relief and turned to his friends.

“It’s fine, guys. It’s just my brother.”

The friction in the room immediately subsided. They heard some footsteps outside and then the opening of the front door.

“Hello!” Kendrack yelled. “Mom!? Dad!? Winbo!?”

“We’re in the kitchen!” Winbo shouted.

Kendrack strolled through the entry and approached Winbo.

“Hey, little bro.” He said, rubbing his brother’s bald head.

He turned to the other two. “Miquar. Admar. Good to see ya fellas.”

“Hey, Kendrack.” Admar replied. “How is university?”

“Not bad. We just finished up 11^th quadrant exams so I thought I’d stop by the old stomping grounds.”

He glanced to Winbo.

“Where are the parentals?”

“They’re over at Aunt Denalko’s place playing rupper fluck or some shit like that.”

Winbo paused for a moment.

“Hey, bro, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Kendrack replied.

“Is it ever cool to go gurp to borkfort?”

Kendrack’s face soured with revolt, staring at his brother for what seemed like an eternity, until he uttered, “No, dude...It’s never ok to go gurp to borkfort. I don’t know why the hell you would even ask me that.”

Winbo turn away in embarrassment while Admar and Miquar softly chuckled.

“So, what you boys up to tonight?” Kendrack asked.

“I don’t know.” Admar answered. “We were trying to discuss that earlier. There doesn’t seem to be much going on tonight.”

“Ugh.” Winbo moaned. “It’s so fucking boring in this galaxy.”

“I was thinking we could see a movie tonight.” Admar remarked.

“Dude, no.” Miquar said. “We did that shit last night, remember?”

“Well, do you have any better ideas other than consuming spotsnor and eating dark matter chips?” Admar fired back.

The gang fell silent. Winbo paced the room before suddenly stopping and excitingly motioning towards his comrades.”

“I got it!” He exclaimed. “Let’s go to Earth!”

“Earth!?” Admar and Miquar remarked in unison.

“Yeah, Earth! You know that guy Crickto, the Level 34.62? He told me that last solar cycle he and some of the other older guys snuck down to Earth and messed with the humans. He said it was hilarious. They’re like really stupid and will fall for almost anything. We should totally do it!”

“Oh, my,” Kendrack added, “messing with the humans; boy, those were the days.”

“You used to mess with the humans?” his brother asked.

“Oh, did we ever. You know my friends Crickpo and Tollstuck? Back when we were your guys’ age, we used to travel to Earth constantly and fuck with the humans. Oh man, it was epic.”

Kendrack stared off into the distance and started to chuckle.

“I remember this one time we went down there and pretended we were some type of deity, and we told this random dumbass that a giant flood was coming and that he was tasked with building a boat. We also told him that he needed to collect a female and male specimen of every single animal he could. Anyways, this idiot spends days building this massive wooden ship and then even more time going out trying to locate and capture these animals.”

Kendrack’s giggling grew louder.

“It was hilarious because many of these animals were super dangerous and because he needed to know their sex, he was constantly trying to check their genitalia. Well, he gets on this boat which is crammed-pack with all these animals, and he’s awaiting this big apocalyptic flood, but it never comes.”

Kendrack was now roaring with laughter.

“Oh, and there was this other time we pretended to be gods and told this weirdo, I think his name was Paris, that there was this hot chick that really into him. So we told him to go over to her house and kidnap her, but pay no attention to her resistance, since she was secretly in love him.”

Kendrack paused and caught his breath.

“The best story though, was this girl’s husband was a king, and he got all these other kings to send their armies to save this girl, and these stupid, fucking homo sapiens go at it for like a decade. It was hilarious!”

Kendrack settled down and poured a glass of water from the sink. He took a giant gulp and continued.

“Oh, yeah, we also visited these people that lived in a desert and told them that the only way to get to the afterlife was by mutilating the bodies of the dead and stuffing them into these massive stone structures. So these dumbasses spent countless manpower and hours of their time building these giant, fucking, triangle-shaped objects because they thought it would get them to heaven. Oh, and then we told them that we were mad at them for some shit, I can’t even remember why, and then we dropped a bunch of insects and amphibians on them. They lost their shit! It was so funny!”

The three youths glanced at eachother, their eyes wide and their mouths open with excitement.

“That’s awesome!” Winbo elated.

“Yeah, it was pretty fun.” Kendrack reminisced. “But you can’t get away with that shit like you used to. Back then, no one really cared if you visited Earth. Now, it’s in the ‘Forbidden Zone.’ The stupid Counsel of Elders now has this weird affinity for those creatures. They believe our very presence there is detrimental to their development.”

Kendrack placed down the empty glass.

“Anyways, fellas, I’m beat. Have fun tonight and try not to get into too much trouble, or at least, don’t get caught.”

The gang said their goodbyes as Kendrack left the room. They looked at each other, saying nothing, until Winbo broke the silence.

“Dude, we should totally do it!”

“No, man!” Admar responded. “We can’t do that! Earth is in the Forbidden Zone. We can get in serious trouble for going there. Plus, how the hell are we going to get there?”

Winbo and Miquar looked at each other then turned to Admar, smiling, as if he already knew the answer.”

“No!” Admar cried. “No, no, no! We are not doing that!”

“Come on!” Miquar pleaded. “You got your galactic pilot’s license last solar cycle. What’s the point of even having it if you’re not going to use it?”

“Dude,” Admar retorted, “it’s my dad’s fucking space cruiser! If he finds out I took it to Earth, I’m literally dead.”

“He’s never going to find out,” Winbo assured him.

“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say, it’s not your ass on the line.”

“Look,” Winbo said, “when we look back on this moment 70 solar cycles from now, what do we want to say? Do we want to say that we sat here bored, doing nothing, or do we want to talk about the time we actually took a risk and did something awesome? Come on, man, we’re only young once. The opportunity to go out and do crazy-ass shit is getting smaller each cycle. Let’s live it up for once! Let’s do something meaningful and fun!”

Admar pondered this a bit, then finally acquiesced.

“Fine.” he sighed. “But only this once, I mean it!”

Winbo jumped up with excitement.

“Yes! Bro, you will not be disappointed.”

The three adolescents wandered outside and entered Admar’s father’s saucer-shaped space cruiser. Admar activated the engine.

“Okay, so here’s the plan.” Winbo said. “We’ll stop by Noobben’s Outlet, get some munchies for the road, then it’s off to Earth!”

“Hell yeah, Dude!” Miquar bellowed.

The space cruiser took off as the three disobedient youths screamed with jubilation. The gang arrived at Nooben’s Outlet. As was common for a night off, the Outlet was flooded with young Banchons. The mischievous three entered the Outlet, stocked up on food and other provisions, and then returned to the cruiser.

As they were about to take off, they heard a piercing, high-pitch sound. It was a horn from a neighboring ship. The three aliens rolled down the large window shielding the driver’s side and peered out. Staring back at them were four young Banchons. They rolled down their passenger side window.

“Sup, losers?” uttered Cocknob. “What lame shit you guys up to tonight?”

“Scratching your mom’s flupper murfin!” Winbo fired back, sarcastically.

“Screw you, Winbo! You and your little posse are so pathetic, ya know that? Why don’t you all go jerk each other off under a white dwarf star, you stupid pricks!”

Miquar leaned out the window so the upper half of his body was outside the ship.

“Yo, Cocknob, I got a little something for ya!”

Miquar outstretched his left arm above his head, and with his opposite hand, pulled down his shirt sleeve, exposing a small crevice in his armpit. Before Cocknob and his friend knew what hit them, a thick purple ooze shot from Miquar’s armpit and drenched them. They sat in their cruiser covered in purple goo, wide-eyed and mouths open, in total shock over what had just transpired.

Cocknob swung around toward the other ship.

“WHAT THE FUCK, ASSHOLE!” he screamed at the top of his lungs.

Miquar hurriedly got back in the cruiser.

“Dude, let’s bail!” he barked.

Admar put the ship in gear and quickly flew off.

 “Holy higher galactic entity!” Admar exclaimed. “I can’t believe you actually did that!”

“Dude, that was awesome!” Winbo chuckled as he reached over to give Miquar a high five.

The teenage Banchons continued on for a while until they finally reached the outer regions of Earth’s solar system.

“Ok, so we’re gonna be landing in about ten minutes,” Admar informed his friends. “What exactly are we going to do when we get there?”

“Alright,” replied Winbo, “so I have been giving this some thought. What we should do is find like some random humans, use the freeze ray on them, bring them up to our ship, and tell them that we have travelled the cosmos to give them important information.”

Miquar and Admar glanced at Winbo.

“Wait...that’s it?” Asked Miquar. “That doesn’t sound that crazy at all.”

“No, think about it, Dude!” Winbo elaborated. “We tell them all this crazy-ass shit, right, and then we say that they have been tasked by us to spread the message to everyone else on Earth. So after we have released them, they will go around spreading this ridiculous nonsense; and when people ask them how they know this, they will say, ‘The aliens told me when they brought me up in their space ship.’”

Winbo began giggling.

“And it will be hilarious because no one will believe them! They will just say they are insane!”

Miquar and Admar started laughing.

“Okay, that is pretty funny,” Miquar agreed.

“Alright,” Winbo said, “let’s find somewhere on this planet where it’s nighttime. Ok, um....”

Winbo pointed at a landmass on the approaching globe.

“Right there! That’s perfect!”

The cruiser shot past the Earth’s atmosphere until it was several thousand feet over a small town.

“Okay,” uttered Winbo, “now we just need to find someone.”

Winbo flipped some switches on the control panel. A holographic image of the area popped up in front them. Winbo moved his finger across the image, adjusting it as he did.”

“There!” he triumphantly cried.”

Winbo’s finger hit a house and picture-zoomed in. They could make out the figure of a human woman, somewhere in her mid-40s, lying in bed inside a modest, two-story, white house.The ship slowly closed in until it was just 50 yards from the woman’s bedroom window.

“Okay,” Winbo commanded. “When I give the signal, Admar, you turn on the freeze way and then we will use the gravitational propulsion system to bring her up to the ship. And don’t forget to set your translators so she can understand us.”

The other two nodded. Admar pressed a button on the control panel. A bright, white light shimmered from the bottom of the ship and infiltrated the bedroom window at a 45-degree angle.The woman’s eyes opened. She remained completely still, her face frozen with a look of sheer terror. Admar turned a nob. The woman’s stiff body slowly began to hover above the bed. She then floated through the window and rose towards the source of the illumination.

The three youths left the cockpit and entered the main foyer of the cruiser. There the woman was, suspended in midair, paralyzed from head to toe.

Admar snapped his fingers and the woman immediately fell to her hands and knees. No longer immobilized, she cautiously lifted her head. Upon seeing the Banchons, she fell backwards and screamed.

“Don’t be alarmed,” Winbo said. “We come in peace.”

The woman rose, gradually. She was shaking feverously as if she had seen a ghost. She was attempting to speak, but couldn’t quite muster any words.

Finally, she was able to stutter, “Who....What are you....? Where....am I...?”

“We’re aliens.” Winbo replied. “Right now, you are on a space ship. We have travelled many light years to come visit you.”

The woman studied her surroundings.

“I don’t believe this...how...?”

“Don’t worry.” Interrupted Winbo. “All your questions will soon be answered. You see, we brought you to this ship for a reason.”

“Yeah,” Miquar added, “you were chosen.”

“I was chosen?”

“Yes.” Said Winbo.

The aliens began to softly giggle.

“Yes, you were chosen. You see, your planet is in danger. The governments of your world are...um...they’re allowing bad people to destroy your planet. If you don’t do something, all life on Earth, including human life, will be wiped out in a matter of years.”

The aliens stifled their chuckles as the woman’s eyes widened.

“Really!?”

“Yes, really.” Miquar responded. “That is why you are here. We have chosen you to tell everyone, friends, family, strangers, that your planet is in danger; and that the reason you know it is because the aliens told you.”

“Yeah,” Winbo elaborated as he fought back tears of laughter, “you must tell the world that you know this information because aliens brought you up in their space ship and revealed it to you. That’s the only way you’re going to get your point across.”

The terror which had veiled the woman’s face was now replaced with a complexation of awe and wonder.

“This is amazing!” She exclaimed. “Of course, I shall do your bidding! I will spread your message far and wide!”

“Good!” Winbo acknowledged.

The Banchons could barely keep it together. It took every ounce of their self-control in order not to burst out laughing.

“Wait...,” the woman uttered. “Why did you choose me? Why not choose someone with more power and influence, like the president or someone like that?”

The aliens glanced at each other.

“Well...um....” Winbo stuttered.

“It’s because your leaders are reptiles!” Admar blurted out.

“Yeah, exactly!” Winbo confirmed. “They’re reptilians! Every rich and powerful person on your planet is not really human. They are reptiles who wear the human skin and secretly control society. Oh yeah, and, you should tell everyone that, as well.”

The aliens covered their mouths and chuckled.

“Okay, so you know what to do now, right?” Asked Miquar. “You need to tell everyone you can that Earth is in danger, that your leaders are actually reptilians; and when they ask you how you know this, tell them that it’s because the aliens told you.”

The woman lifted her hand, giving an overly resolute salute. The teenagers were on the verge of tears.

“Goodbye, Human.” Winbo said. “Live long and....um...thrive—or some shit like that.”

Admar activated the gravitational propulsion system and sent the woman back to her home. The aliens re-entered the cockpit and let out a fierce laughter. 

“Oh, my higher galactic entity!” Winbo cried as he tried to catch his breath.

“Did you see the look on her face!” Miquar exclaimed. “I can’t believe she actually bought it!”

“Oh, man, and the reptile bit!” remarked Winbo, as he slapped Admar on the back.
“Come on, admit it. That was pretty awesome!”

Admar smiled.

“You’re right,” he snickered. “That was pretty funny!”

“All right,” Winbo pointed, “let’s go to that house over there!”

Admar stopped the ship above a single story home. They could make out a man through the window, about in his mid-30s, slumbering on a sofa.  Winbo turned to Admar.

“Let me use the hologram projector.”

Admar scooted over and let Winbo sit near the main control panel. A life-size, holographic portrayal of a Banchon appeared right next to them. The hologram was so realistic that it looked as if there was a fourth alien in the cockpit. Winbo started to press buttons, editing the image’s appearance. He made it shorter and gave it childlike features. Winbo then started to add peculiar traits to it.

“What are you doing?” Admar asked. “You’re not adding humans feature to it, are you?”

Winbo smirked.

“That’s exactly what I’m doing. I got something special lined up for this guy.”

Admar turned on the gravitation propulsion system. The beam glared through the family room window, lifted the man up, and pulled him into the spaceship.

The aliens entered the foyer. The man was still, his expression fixed in horror.

“Activate nocturnal ray.” Winbo ordered.

A thin, red, light, like a laser, beamed from the ceiling and onto the man’s forehead, causing him to pass out. The mischievous trio then placed the man on a silver table, similar to one seen at a doctor’s office, and set it in the middle of the room.

“Ok,” Winbo remarked, “now watch this.

He snapped his fingers. The man immediately came to. Upon seeing the aliens and where he was, he panicked.

“Where am I!? What are you!? What do you want with me!? HELP! HELP!”

“Calm down,” Winbo said, gently. “We’re aliens. You’re on a spaceship hovering above your house.”

“Aliens? Spaceship?”

The man swung his head around, puzzled.

“How long have I been up here?”

“Months,” replied Winbo.

“Months!?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry. When you get back it will seem as if no time has passed. We have um...this, like . . . time technology stuff that, um...pauses time on your planet. You know, because time is relative and shit.”

“Oh, what have you been doing to me all this time?”

“Um...” Winbo thought. “Well...”

Miquar chimed in. “You see that device over there?”

He pointed a tubular object which extended from the ceiling. This object is called a Turbon and emits a metallic fluid which can repair minor dents on a ship.

“Yes, I see it,” acknowledged the human.

“Well, um, we shoved it in your butthole.” Miquar said.

“You what!?” bellowed the startled human as he flung his torso up.

“Yeah, you got probed, Bro.” Winbo added.

The aliens chuckled.

“The weird part,” he continued, “is that you seemed really into it. You should probably look into the reasons for that, Bro.”

The man was speechless.

“I....” He couldn’t finish his sentence.

“Anyways,” Winbo went on, “we brought you back to our home planet where you were forced to make love to hundreds of our females.”

The man’s jaw dropped.

“And here,” said Winbo, “is the fruit of your labor.”

Winbo pressed a button on the wall at which time the hologram materialized. The man shook his head and stared in disbelief.

“This is Loopoon.” Winbo remarked. “She’s your daughter.”

“Yeah,” Miquar confirmed, holding back laughter, “She is only one of the hundreds of hybrid, alien-human children you have.”

The man fell back slightly as if he was about to collapse.

“You see,” proclaimed Winbo, “we needed you to make hybrid human-alien babies because...”

Winbo thought.

“Because of colonization,” interrupted Admar. “We’re planning on colonizing your planet with alien-human hybrids.”

“Exactly!” affirmed Winbo. “You are going to be the father of a new super species. Congrats, Bro!”

The man’s expression was dazed and confused

“So, when you get back to Earth,” added Miquar as he tried not to giggle, “be sure to tell everyone about that colonization is coming, and you know this because you had sex with multiple aliens.”

“Yes,” Winbo added, “and consider visiting a therapist about your butthole fetish. Seriously, it’s weird, especially when you start begging our females for ass play.”

“Okay,.” the man replied, still looking a bit puzzled. “Went I get back to earth, I’ll be sure to inform everyone about colonization, and I’ll...um... do some soul-searching.”

“Awesome, Man,” pronounced Winbo. “Ok, well...see you later, Bro.”

The aliens dropped the human back to his house and sped off.

The hooting and hollering which followed was so intense it could almost be heard on the other side of the supposedly sound proof door that shielded the cockpit.

“HAHAHAHAHA!” Miquar laughed. “Dude, that was amazing! I only wish I could be there to see his friends’ and family’s faces when he tells that shit!”

“That was great!” Admar declared. “So where to now?”

Miquar took a puff of sportnor.

“I don’t know, Man. Where else is there to go on this planet?”

Winbo pondered for a minute.

“I got it!” he shouted. “Admar, is there any rural farmland nearby?”

“Yep.” he replied. “Hold on.”

Admar steered the ship due east until they were flying over what appeared to be endless rows of cornfields.

“Perfect!” Winbo exclaimed. “Okay, so this is what we are going to do. We will activate the laser canon, and we will write messages on their crops. Nothing serious, just like funny shit; and tomorrow the humans will wake up and then they’ll spend days and weeks trying to figure out what the hell this shit means. It will be hilarious!”

“That’s awesome!” Miquar asserted. “They’re going to think there is some sort of, like, complex hidden meaning in these symbols, when they’re really just random-ass phrases.”

“Exactly!” Winbo said.

Winbo grabbed a joystick in the center of the control panel. A large blue ray shot out of the bottom of the cruiser. The beam cut down the crops as it passed over them. Winbo moved the joystick in several precise motions, the ray mimicking his every move.

“There, all done,” he proudly remarked.

Grafted onto the field was a massive symbol, so elaborate and multifaceted that it’s impossible to explain with mere words.

The young Banchons laughed. They knew full well the homo sapiens would never discover the meaning of the symbol, which, in reality, roughly translates into, “I love moist penis.”

The three friends flew off into the night, full of pride and excitement over what they had just accomplished.

“Dude, it’s getting late,” Admar informed his friends. “I think we should call it a night.”

“No, not yet.” Winbo retorted. “There is one more thing I want to do.”

Winbo gestured to an assortment of lights in the distance.

“You see that that, over there?” He said. “It’s a human military installation. Crickto told me that if you hoover over it ominously, they will have a panic attack because they can see you, but their radar can’t pick you up. I heard it’s hilarious!”

Admar sighed.

“Alight, but we leave right after this, okay?”

“Ok.”

Admar positioned the cruiser a thousand feet about the base and set its lights to full blast. The ship illuminated the night sky like it was a massive, orange, star. Before long, the teenagers noticed a swelling of activity below. They could make out people sprinting, cars speeding, and could hear the blaring of an ominous siren. 

“Holy higher galactic entity, they are losing their shit down there!” Miquar bellowed. “Look how freaked out they are! This is awesome!”

“I know, Man!” Winbo acknowledged. “They have no clue what the fuck is happening right now!”

Suddenly, they heard a noise emanate from right beside them. The young Banchons swung around and made out the shape of another ship. Admar rolled the window.

“Hey, Miquar!” Cocknob screeched. “You’re going to pay for what you did to my ship, you fucking prick!”

“What’s the matter?” Miquar asked. “You didn’t like my interior decorating?”

“Fuck you!” Cocknob shouted. “You’re all a bunch of pussies, you know that!? Just a bunch of belching, massive fucking pussies!”

“Care to put your money where mouth is, Cocknob?” Winbo retorted.

Cocknob and his friend glanced at each other. He turned back to Winbo.

“What do you have in mind?” he asked.

“Let’s settle this, old-school; a race around this entire planet. Primary ion thrusters only, no hyper-speed or warp jumps. First one to fully circle the planet wins.”

Cocknob conferred with his gang for a moment then turned back to the opposing vessel.

“Alright, you’re on! We’ll start on your flash signal!”

Winbo placed his hand on Admar’s shoulder.

“You ready for this shit!?”

Admar turned to him with a nervous look.

“Dude, I can’t fucking do this! This is my dad’s cruiser. If he finds out I have been racing it...if something happens to it...Dude, shit, I can’t do this!”

“Hey, man,” Winbo responded, “This is not about the cruiser or your dad. This is about you—and us. This is about showing everyone out there what we are made of—prove that we ain’t afraid to take a chance! Do you want to want to go back to Mendudo 6 and have everyone think we’re a bunch of pussies because we were afraid to challenge that douchebag? You get only a few moments like this in your life—moments where you get to prove you’re the kind of Banchon you are! So, what do you say? Let’s put this ship in gear and toast that mother fucker!”

Admar stared off in silence. Every several seconds, he reached his hand forward and grabbed a lever.

“Higher galactic entity, dammit!” he shouted as he pulled the lever towards him.

“Thatta boy!” Winbo exclaimed.

Winbo shuffled back to his seat. He pressed a button located on a band like object which covered his left wrist. Three, giant, white lights appeared in front of the vessels.

“When the final light disappears,” Winbo yelled to Cocknob, “it’s game on!”

Cocknob nodded.

Light one disappeared.

“Get ready, Man!” Winbo told Admar.

Light two disappeared.

Miquar took a puff of Spotsnor.

Light three disappeared.

“LET’S DO THIS!” Winbo roared.

Admar throttled the ignition, sending the cruiser piercing into the atmosphere.

The two ships soared over the Earth like large comets traversing through space. Admar pressed pedal to the metal, perspiring as he did, determined not to let his friends down.

They were near the end of the race, with Cocknob’s ship slightly ahead.

“COME ON, PUNCH THAT SHIT!” Winbo barked.

Admar pressed a button near the ignition. The thruster woofed as it released a colossal burst. The cruisers were side by side now. Cocknob attempted to cut his adversaries off and manuever his ship in front of Admar’s, but in the process the two vessels collided, resulting in Cocknob’s being sent tumbling down to Earth.

“FUCK YEAH, DUDE!” Winbo triumphantly howled. “WE DID.....”

Admar’s cruiser began to spin uncontrollably. Bright red lights started to flash in the entire interior of the ship along with a loud beeping noise. The three aliens screamed as the cruiser rapidly plummeted.

It hit the ground with a loud bang. The adolescent Banchons remained still for a few moments, dazed by what had just occurred. Admar then opened the cockpit door and got out, his friends followed.

A massive dent was visible on the side of the saucer which had crashed into the earth. Admar stared at it in horror.

“Oh my higher galactic entity! Oh my higher galactic entity!” he repeated in a panicky tone.

Winbo opened his mouth to speak; but before he could, a large array of green vehicles surrounded them. Scores of humans sporting green camouflage and carrying black metal objects exited their carriers. 

One human stepped forward. He was wearing a dark green suit with a green hat which had a black brim. The chest region of his suit displayed an assortment of multicolored metallic objects. He was carrying a gray, cone-like object. He placed the end of the cone on his lips and began to speak.

“What is he saying?” asked Miquar.

“Hold on,” Winbo said as he activated their translators.

The man continued to chatter.

“Why is it you have come to this planet? Do you come in peace?”

Admar and Winbo glanced at each other, not knowing exactly what to say.

Miquar, who had been lingering behind his friends, took a puff of spotsnor, then stepped forward.

“’Sup, humans!” he said as he coughed. “We’re aliens. We have come from afar to conquer you and probe your women’s buttholes.”

Miquar began to chuckle, until he noticed that his friends had placed their hands over their faces in vexation.

“OPEN FIRE!” The human ordered.

The homo sapiens discharged their weapons at the young aliens. Winbo calmly pressed a button on his wrist band. A blue electric shield enclosed the Banchons, which absorbed the human’s bullets and explosives.

“What the hell, Man!” Winbo remarked to Miquar.

“What, Dude?” Miquar responded. “I was just messing around.”

“You are an idiot!” Admar shouted.

“Seriously,you are!” Winbo added

“I was not talking to him!” Admar screeched as he turned to Winbo. “I was talking to you! This is all your fault!”

Winbo was taken aback.

“Bro, relax. It’s not like these insects can hurt us.”

Admar clenched his first as his face began to turn red.

“I don’t care about them! Look what you did! You had this stupid idea to come down here and mess with these people, on a planet we are not even allowed to be on. And so you convince us to come down here, then you talked me into racing that asshole, and now look! My dad’s ship is ruined! How am I going to fucking explain this!?”

“Hey, man!” Winbo screamed. “I did not make you do shit! You did all this willingly!”

Admar stamped his foot.

“It’s the same shit every time! We are hanging out, having a nice evening, and then you have to ruin it by coming up with some asinine, crazy scheme which ends up getting us in trouble. When the fuck are you going to grow up!? Seriously, man, I’m sick of this! If you want to go out and be a terror, fine, but don’t get us involved in this shit!”

The aliens fell silent. Winbo’s head dropped. Miquar leaned his back against the ship and took a hit of spotsnor. Admar turned to the ship, inspected the damage, and sighed.

Winbo finally broke the silence.

“Admar, listen. I’m sorry. You’re right; I’m always getting us into shit like this. When we get back to Mendudo 6, I’m perfectly happy to take the blame for all this. It’s just...”

He paused and stepped towards Admar.

“...I don’t know, I just want us to do fun things together. You know, I always see my brother and his friends talk about all the awesome times they had when they were younger. That’s what I want. I want to be able to look back on these days and remember how awesome they were. Life is short; and when it’s all said and done, when we’re ready to meet our maker, what else will we have? We’ll have our memories, our experiences, the things we did together which solidified our friendship. That’s what I treasure most. It’s you guys and whacky-ass shit we do together as friends, as brothers.”

The slight hint of guilt arose on Admar’s face. He looked up at Winbo as if to say something, but then noticed something.

“Are they still shooting at us?” he asked.

The barrage of fire continued to pound the shield.

Miquar laughed.

“Have they not yet noticed that their weapons are literally doing nothing?”

“Hold on.” Said Winbo, as he searched for a button on his wristband.

“Ok, here it is.” He pressed the blue button.

The firing ceased. The humans looked at their weapons, which had inexplicably jammed. 

“All right, let’s get out of here,” Winbo ordered.

The aliens got into the cruiser, waved goodbye to the stunned humans, and blasted off.

“Look, Admar,” Winbo said as they exited the Earth’s atmosphere, “I meant what I said back there. I will take the heat for us.”

“No,” Admar rebutted, “that’s not happening. It was all of us who decided to come down here. We have shared responsibility. Plus, friends have to stick together, right?”

Winbo smiled.

“Yes, they do.” he confirmed.

The Banchons arrived at their home planet very late. They parked in the back of Admar’s house in order not to be seen.

As they crept out of the ship, they were started by a tall Banchon with a stern look and an angry stance.

“Daaaad!” Admar stuttered. “I...um...did not know you would still be awake.”

“Hello, son.” he replied. “Boys.”

“Hello, Mr. Pawnko,” Miquar and Admar responded in unison.

“It’s getting late, so I think you fellas should head home before your parents start to worry.”

Miquar and Winbo nodded.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Man,” Winbo said to Admar.

With that, they embraced. Admar’s friends then ran off.

Admar nervously entered the house with his father. He was about to walk up to his room, when his father said, “Son, come here a minute.”

Admar tentatively walked over to him.

“Yes?”

“Where did you and your friends go tonight?” Mr. Pawnko inquired.

“Nowhere,” he responded. “We just hung out.”

“Really? And what’s up with that dent on the side of my ship?”

“Oh, um...I accidentally hit it on the side of something when we went out to get food. No big deal. It can be fixed.”

“I want to show you something,” Admar’s father stated.

He picked up a remote and pressed a button. A large screen appeared in the middle of the room. The screen illuminated images of humans across the planet Earth, all panicking. They were fearful, rioting, and looting business and homes. It was absolute chaos. Below the images displayed a giant text which Admar couldn’t understand.

Mr. Pawnko cleared his throat.

“What we’re watching now is a new human station. You know what that text says below? It says,‘THEY’RE HOSTILE: Extraterrestrials Threaten Humanity!’ So, let me ask you again, what did you and your friends do tonight?”

“Well...um....” Admar stuttered.

“Go to your room,” interrupted Mr. Pawnko. “We will discuss this further in the morning.”

Admar slowly climbed the stairs to his room, his eyes facing the floor as he did so. An older female Banchon entered the room.

“Unbelievable!” Mr. Pawnko told his wife. “Can you believe they actually went to Earth?”

She sighed.

“Yeah, I know, it’s ridiculous. But hey, it’s not like we didn’t do anything stupid when we were his age.”

“I guess you’re right.”

Mr. Pawnko poured himself a drink from a nearby bar at the side of the room. He plopped himself down on the blue sofa and took a swig, his eyes fixed on the screen displaying the chaos unfolding light years away.

“Fucking teenagers,” he muttered.

© Copyright 2018 by R. M. S. Thornton