It
was noon in Heaven and, as always, it was a beautiful day—sunny with a
temperature of 72 degrees. After one has experienced the harshness and
uncertainties of life, Heaven serves as a just reward for any who have remained
true to the moral norms of his era.
What
makes Heaven truly spectacular is not just that it lacks misery, pain, or want,
or even that it provides everlasting life to those who reside within it, but
that it has many of the same amenities that exist on Earth. Heaven is flooded with
numerous bars, arcades, nightclubs, ice cream parlors, sushi restaurants and
roller rinks. If there is one thing that can be said about this celestial
paradise, it’s that you will never find its inhabitants plagued with boredom
and monotony.
However,
what many do not realize is that in Heaven there exists a small outdoor café.
This café is not widely known because it is nestled within an array of enormous
mountains overlooking a magnificent valley. What makes this café most
remarkable is its patrons, many of whom were the most renowned thinkers of
their times when they were still of biological form.
On this day the café was particularly blessed
for sitting at a small table were none other than two of the most enlightened
souls to ever pass through the Pearly Gates: Voltaire and Rousseau.
Rousseau
took a sip of his blissful pumpkin spice latte and peered off into the stunning
valley.
“You
know something, Voltaire,” Rousseau said, “in life, I absolutely despised you.
I swear I hated you with every inch of my body. But now that we are here, residing
within the glorious kingdom of our Lord, I dare say that I now consider you a
friend.”
Rousseau
turned to Voltaire and smiled.
”Thank
you, Rousseau.” Replied Voltaire. “It means a lot that you said that. I know we
did not get along when we were alive, but I’m glad that we saw fit to work out
our differences. For men or virtue like us should not be at odds. No, we the
virtuous souls should be comrades. I should know, for I am the most virtuous
one of all.”
Rousseau’s
expression turned sour.
“Excuse
me!?” He snapped.
“What!?”
Voltaire exclaimed. “Did I say something wrong!?”
“You’re
damn right you said something wrong!” Shouted Rousseau. “You just referred to
yourself as ‘the most virtuous one of all.’ That statement is 100% false for I,
Jean-Jacques Rousseau, influencer of the Enlightenment and the French
Revolution, am the most virtuous of them all!”
Voltaire
jumped to his feet anger.
“How
dare you, sir! I, François-Marie Arouet, better known as Voltaire,
Enlightenment philosopher and defender of free speech and religious liberty, am
without question the most virtuous of them all!”
Rousseau
leaped from his chair.
“I
was wrong about you, Voltaire! You are a saucy scoundrel!”
The
two men glared daggers at each other for some time until they heard a voice.
“Excuse
me, gentlemen.” Said the voice. “What seems to be the problem here?”
The
men turned. Standing before them was a man clad in armor with thick grayish
curly hair and a coiled beard. It was none other than the renowned Roman
Emperor Marcus Aurelius.
“Ah,
Marcus,” Rousseau cried, “great Emperor of the Romans! Thank goodness you have
arrived! Please assist me in informing my ignorant peer, Voltaire, that I,
Jean-Jacques Rousseau, am the most virtuous one of all!”
“No,
Marcus,” Voltaire exclaimed, “Please educate this rambling fool that it is I,
Voltaire, who is the most virtuous!”
Marcus
Aurelius looked at both of them and then erupted into laughter.
Voltaire
and Rousseau glanced at each other with confused expressions, then turned back
to Marcus Aurelius.
“What
is so funny?” asked Voltaire.
Marcus
Aurelius stopped laughing and wiped a tear from his right eye. He continued to
softly chuckle.
“Forgive
me.” Marcus Aurelius responded. “It’s just that you 18th Century
philosophers are a very silly bunch. To even consider that either one of you is
the most virtuous one of all is as amusing as it is absurd. For it is I, Marcus
Aurelius Antoninus Augustus, philosopher Emperor of the Romans, who is the most
virtuous of them all!”
“I
beg your pardon, my Emperor,” another voice muttered, “but I think you are
mistaken.”
The
three men turned. Walking towards them was a young man wearing brown sandals
and a white toga. It was the Roman poet Virgil.
“I
don’t mean to contradict an Emperor of Rome,” Virgil said, “but I believe it is
I, Publius Vergilius Maro, drafter of the Aeneid
and celestial guide to Dante Alighieri, who is the most virtuous of you
all.”
Just
then another voice spoke.
“Oh,
isn’t that just a Roman to claim they are so virtuous yet fail to realize that,
if they possess even the slightest hint of virtue, it is because they learned
it from their Mediterranean neighbor, the Greeks, particularly I, Aristotle, the
philosopher, student of Plato and tutor to Alexander the Great. For I dare say
it is I who is the most virtuous man of them all!”
“Why
hello, Aristotle,” remarked Rousseau, “ever the arrogant Greek theorist I see.”
“Quiet!”
Aristotle shouted. “I have more virtue in my left foot than any of you have in
your entire beings combined!”
“Is
that so?” Replied Marcus Aurelius. “You mean to tell me that you honestly
believe that you are more virtuous than I? You only tutored a great king. I
actually was the master of a magnificent realm. There is absolutely no way that
you are more virtuous than I!”
“You
should know, Marcus Aurelius,” Voltaire rebutted, “that power alone is no
measure of virtue. In fact, power and virtue often conflict. Just ask your son,
Commondus!”
“You
leave him the hell out of this!” Marcus Aurelius snapped. “I have apologized
for him on countless occasions! How was I to know he would end up behaving like
such a raving lunatic!? Sure, maybe I could have been a better father, but I
was busy parenting an entire civilization, dammit!”
“Gentlemen!”
Shouted Virgil. “This is no way to solve our differences. Clearly we must
settle this quandary like the enlightened civilized men we are.”
“Agreed.”
Replied Rousseau. “But what are the means by which we will determine who is the
most virtuous among us? Do you we have an independent counsel of the most renowned
thinkers and prophets re-read our works and judge who is the most virtuous? Or
do we let this question be decided by our all-knowing and loving Heavenly
Father?
“No,”
Aristotle said, “there is only way to solve this once and for all. We must each
return to Earth, immerse ourselves into a random socio-political cause, engage
in an act in furtherance of that cause, document such act with our smart
phones, and then post it on our Instagram accounts. The person who receives the
most likes by the end of the day shall be declared the most virtuous of them
all!”
The
men fell silent. They glanced at each other for a few seconds then all
exclaimed in unison “Agreed!”
The
men then left the café. They walked past the Pearly Gates, waved goodbye to St.
Peter and floated down to Earth. They hit the ground and the five men parted
ways, all determined to prove that they were the most virtuous one of all.
Voltaire
traversed the land until he came upon a large protest. It was a demonstration
for gender equality.
“Perfect!”
Voltaire said. “If I take a picture here, it will show everyone, including
those other four buffoons that I, Voltaire, am truly the most virtuous person who
has ever lived!”
Voltaire
scanned the crowd. Many of the demonstrators were holding signs.
“Hhhmmm...”
Voltaire thought. “Maybe I should create a sign with a catchy slogan and hold
it up in my picture. That is sure to get a lot of peoples’ attention and
convince them to like my photo.”
Voltaire
walked into a nearby office supply store. He came out a few minutes later with
a large white sheet of paper and some markers.
“Ok.”
He said. “Now time to come up with a witty slogan.”
Voltaire
thought for a while.
“I
got it!” He exclaimed.
He
began writing.
“IF
YOU WANT TO SHOW HER YOU CARE, SAY YOUR NAME IS VOLTAIRE!”
“Brilliant!”
Voltaire told himself. “It even rhymes! People are going to love it! This will
surely win me this contest of virtue!”
Voltaire
glanced around.
“Now
I just need to find someone to take the picture. Excuse me!”
Voltaire
tapped a man on the shoulder. He turned around and looked at Voltaire.
“Pardon
me, good sir,” Voltaire said, “but would you mind taking my picture while I
hold up this sign?”
“Of
course!” Replied the man. “I would be happy to! I’m glad to see you care so
much about this movement!”
Voltaire
handed the man his phone and stepped back a few paces. Voltaire held up the
sign. The man lifted the phone and snapped a photo. He walked up to Voltaire
and handed him the phone.
“Does
this work?” The man asked.
“Eh.”
Replied Voltaire. “Can you take one more? My face kind of looks weird in it.
Also, try to get my entire body in it this time.”
Voltaire
again handed the man his phone and he took a picture.
The
man gave the phone back to Voltaire.
“Here,”
he said, “I took several this time.”
Voltaire
shuffled though the shots.
“These
will do. Thank you!”
“You’re
welcome!” The man said. He then turned around and walked off.
Voltaire
looked down at his phone and opened his Instagram app.
“Ok.”
He said. “Now I just have to choose one of these pictures. Hhhmmm... How about
this one!”
Voltaire
selected the photo.
“Alright.”
He continued. “Now time to choose a filter. The background looks good with
Clarendon, but I look so much better with Juno. Hhhmmm...This is a tough
decision. I know! I will go with Mayfair!”
Voltaire
selected the filter.
“Now
that that’s done, I just need a good tagline. How about ‘This is what progress
looks like #RightSideof History #VoltaireCares’ Perfect!”
Voltaire
typed the caption then posted it.
“People
are going to think I’m so virtuous it’s not even fair!” He remarked.
Elsewhere,
Marcus Aurelius was attending a rally in support of migrants.
“This
is the perfect venue to show everyone, both in Heaven and Earth, that I, the Philosopher-Emperor
Marcus Aurelius, am the most virtuous one of all!”
Unfortunately,
things did not go smoothly for the wise Emperor. The picture he took in front
of a sign which read “All Migrants Welcome” received a great deal of backlash
due to his slogan “If we don’t have barbarians, who will clean your toilets!”
“Jupiter
be dammed!” Marcus Aurelius yelled. “I forgot that ‘barbarians’ has a different
meaning in this era! I did not mean this to sound offensive or insensitive! It’s
what we Romans used to call everyone who lived outside the boundaries of the Empire!”
Marcus Aurelius paused
and took a deep breath.
“Ok. I just need
a new caption. Where the hell is that edit function? Here it is! Ok. New caption:
‘Migrants are important unless they are Visigoths or Transalpine Gauls #RememberTheSackofRome
#AllAreWelcome #SorryAgainForCommodus’ Ok, That should work. People will surely
think I’m the most virtuous now!”
Soon,
all the men had posted pictures on their Instagram accounts. With the day
almost over, the five men ascended back into Heaven and met at the café. They
all sat down at a large table.
“So
how did everyone do?” Asked Rousseau.
“Great!”
Voltaire replied as he took out his phone. He opened his Instagram account and
showed the others.
“125,098 likes! Read it and weep,
for I’m the most virtuous of them all!”
“Ha!” Rousseau fired back.
He took out his
phone and opened his app. There was a picture of him in Africa sitting next to
two scantly clothed children in a rundown village.
“My
photo with these poor African children received 200,172 likes!” He exclaimed.
“True, I did absolutely nothing to actually improve the lives of these destitute
villagers. Nevertheless, it’s a great picture of me and shows the world that I
care and, as you can see from the number of likes, it proves that I’m clearly
more virtuous than any of you.”
“Well,”
Marcus Aurelius chimed in, “my picture at the migrant demonstration got 201,560
likes! What do you have to say to that, Rousseau!?”
“Don’t
get too cocky, Marcus.” Aristotle said. “My picture at the vegan rally holding
a piglet got 230,415 likes! Clearly I won this contest!”
“Think
again you pesky Greek!” remarked Virgil. “My picture got 250,744 likes!”
Virgil
took out his phone and opened his Instagram account. Displayed was a photograph
of him at a CrossFit gym doing a hang clean. The tagline read “Working hard all
day, every day! #PushYourselfToTheLimit”
“Yeah!”
Virgil said. “What do you all have to say now!?”
The
other men stared at him.
“Virgil,”
commented Voltaire, “what does posting a picture of yourself working out have
to do with proving your virtue?”
Virgil
gazed back at Voltaire blankly.
“Well...I
mean...everyone was doing it so...like...”
Virgil was
perspiring, looking back and forth at each man frantically.
He then stood
up.
“You know what!”
He yelled. “I quit! This contest is stupid!”
Virgil stormed
off.
“Well,” remarked
Aristotle, “I guess that leaves me the victor! I, Aristotle, am the most
virtuous of them all!”
“Not so fast!” a
loud voice said.
The men turned
around. Walking towards them was a young woman with short hair, cladded in gray
knight’s armor and carrying a large sword. It was the Saint Joan of Arc.
“True,” she
said, “Aristotle may be the most virtuous man ever. But he is surely not the
most virtuous PERSON ever.”
Joan of Arc
removed a phone from her armor and showed it to the men. There was a picture of
her waiving an EU flag. The caption read “If Britain wishes to leave the EU,
let them! We don’t want or need them! #Brexit” The post had 500,343 likes!
The men looked
at her in shock.
“You see, boys,”
she said as she triumphantly trusted her sword into the air, “I, Joan of Arc,
savior of the French people and the proud and loyal servant of our Heavenly
Father, not only once again chased the English out of Europe, but have proven
beyond any doubt that I am the most virtuous of them all!”
The End
©
Copyright 2017 by R. M. S. Thornton
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